The scale is my friend today.

Yes-siree! The scale is my friend today. I actually lost a little under a pound. Babysteps! I'm doing good and limiting the amount I eat.

My flushing is 2x the allowance, though... so far...

I still look at myself and wonder what the heck happened. Although I truly know what happened and how it happened. I am still slightly in denial. Time goes by so fast and the tomorrows come too soon without enough time to start the things I promised myself.

But oh! well! Back to being good...

Hot, Hot, Hot!

Wouldn't ya know it? The weather turned SUPER hot. Exercise is SUPER hard in this weather, but maybe I'll go for a walk later in the evening.

I wish my bike was accessible, but my husband has it on the trailer and packed for camping... which we aren't doing for another month. It would be cool to go for an evening ride. The breeze... ah....

Eatingwise, I'm doing pretty good. Drinking lots of water which worries me. Since our water rationing, it has been calculated that each person get 4 flushes per day. What! I stay home all day and drink water. I know for a fact that I flush more than that. And what if someone is sick? Ugh! Something more to sway someone from good health...

On Track

So I've lost 1.5 pounds in a week. Almost back to where I was. It is extremely hard. You know what they say... Don't go gung ho all out when you start. Babysteps. I originally started exercising and dieting at the same time. It lasted a while, then I got hurt and got off the train. I now realize I did too much at one time for non-support at home. I need to take babysteps and do the best I can to make things a habit.

Oh! And I added two gadgets to my blog... one for healthy tips and the other for weight loss tips. Check them out. They change each day. Come back again...

Summer's Here!

My body didn't quite get to where I wanted. I knew in my heart it would take longer, but was thinking I'd had have a gift of magic.

I need to remember the magic is me and it is a slow magic. I've managed to level off, but need to restart again. No support really reflects badly. I can't do separate meals for everyone. It's hard, but I need to regain focus. Any suggestions?

Joined "SparkPeople" Today

I know it's been over a month, but I really have been busy... too busy to write. Sorry 'bout that!

I haven't gained that much of the original weight lost back, but I did gain some (1/2 of it). I will lose it again.

I quit drinking so much water... BAD Lisa, BAD!!! So today I am picking that back up again. I will take a walk later tonight and begin again in babysteps.

My problem is that I went gungo-ho and burned myself out. But... I'm back, still here... whatever you want to call it.

If you want to have a customized weight plan and team support (FOR FREE!), go to SparkPeople.com and sign up. Please put in that I (charligirl88) referred you and you should be given the option to some of the teams I belong to. Wouldn't that be fun? We could do this weight-loss, healthy lifestyle thingy together!

Have fun and healthy eating. Like me... DON'T FORGET TO DRINK YOUR WATER!!!

Still Here...

And a little sore, but that's to be expected. I did the Level 1 today and walked this morning, just to clear my head and wake me up. The smells in the early morning are glorious, especially with the orange blossoms budding. Wow.

Yesterday I had a "ick" moment. I was gardening, on my knees, and I looked down. What I saw disgusted me. My legs were like huge sausages, bulging from their casings! I don't want to be like that. I will stay on track this time.

Guess What?

I'm back!

I did Jillian Michaels Level 1. I'm starting back at the bottom, although not from the same weight as originally. Yeah. Water, Water, WATER!

It beat me up. Help me along, and we will all do well!

The past couple of weeks have been extremely hard. I lost my motivation, went on vacation, plus had my kids on Spring Break. All no-nos when you are at the beginning of losing weight. They are definitely major obstacles to overcome. But... the kids went back to school today, so I am re-scheduling myself and am on a mission to succeed.

I'm here... just a little there...

I'm here. A little off track, but slowly getting back on the horse. I gained a little bit back while on vacation (boy is that hard!), but have slowly been taking it off (and working it off) the past couple of days. I hope to be blogging like normal again. I've got to get my stuff together and get there. But I will. With my willPOWER! Yippee!

Thanks to all of you who did not give up on me and continue to visit. I will prevail!

Back On Track (Again!)

Here I am. I worked out today and have been eating wonderful delicious fruit. I'm also drinking a ton of water. All to make up for the past two weeks.

I know I didn't feel good and gave my little injury a vacation. Yes, I regret it. I guess I didn't maintain my weight as much as I thought, because boy... do I have a lot of work to do.

I am so drained from my workout today. I began back at Level 1 on Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. Yes, it finally came in the mail. And yeah! It kicked my butt. I'm seriously feelin' it now. I was exhausted during the workout, but I did it. I am proud of myself. And I will keep this up.

Holler if you are here!!!!!!!!

BTW - the widget you see in the upper right hand corner is for my daughter. She is in Honors English, and they are planning an educational tour to Europe next June (2010). It pains me to see her go this far away from me, yet I know it will give her a better global understanding of the world today and the variety of cultures. I want my child to be aware and am allowing her to go. However, we need your support. You can donate money to the fund or send in your donations. Just click "CHIP IN" and it will send you to a site where you can pay via PayPal. PayPal will not charge you. But... it does charge us a small amount. We have a little over $4000 to earn by May 2010. Please help us help Renee to reach this goal. Thanks ahead of time! lisa

I'm Still Here...

I may not be doing as good as I should. That will change right now. I weighed in and have maintained my weight. My injury feels better, but between that and heel spurs, I've been barely makin' it, and I'm just so tired. Look forward to next week, when I'll be blogging and running again. Thanks for checkin' in on me.

Ho Hum...

Once again, I didn't work out. I started to, but had to stop. My tail bone was burning. So, I just walked back and forth at the swim meet I officiated today. Um... don't know how much I walked (shoulda worn a pedometer), but it was from 9am-3pm. A 10 min break. Not bad. I hardly ate anything and still am not hungry. Lots of water intake, though.

Tomorrow will be the same, only with one hour less sleep (thank you Daylight Savings Time). This is the time of year I both regret and enjoy. I like the extra daylight, but hat the losing the hour tomorrow... especially since I have to get up early. Ugh! for me.

Getting there slowly...

But that's okay. I haven't been doing the deprivation thing, so I'm okay. I'm almost back down to what I was a couple of weeks ago. Didn't exercise today either, as I fell yesterday. Hold on... I'm okay, I was just doing something stupid and stepped up on something I shouldn't have, and it collapsed on me, and I fell... on my butt... literally. But, as I came crashing down, I hit my shin on the chair I was on (as it fell over), and now I have a 6" square bruise (totally black and blue), and it hurts.

Water is good. Life is good. Sleep is good. Goodnight.

No Exercise Today...

Today will be my rest day, since I've been going and going for over 7 days. My eating has been sporatic at best, but I have been exercising. Water is my friend.

Pictures will be posted by next Monday; I just haven't downloaded yet and feel like I'm semi-neglecting this blog.

Didn't feel like writing yesterday, as I really didn't have time. I've been trying my hardest to only use the computer for a short period of time, and I've been keeping super busy. My dishes are always done!

Oops! I Forgot to Measure, Weigh & Photo Yesterday!

But... I did it today. A day late. I did put in my weight from yesterday, though.

Today I did Bob's workout. Then I ran around, like I had to for various errands. Next, I cut down all of my grape vines, weeded for an hour, and started to clip the knarly branches into kindling. Hard work.

Juan finished picking the front for me, so all I had to do was sift and sort. I also shoveled. Yikes... those muscles sure hurt from yesterday.

I am very tired. It is hard to write. I ate okay yesterday and so far today.

I'll post pics later. I lost my file on previous measures, so I can't compare. Oh well. Fresh start (again!).

Ouch! It Hurts!

My whole body is aching right now. This morning, I walked for 1/2 hour, then spent almost an hour with a pick, tearing through the tight weeds and mounds of grass. SUPER hard work for me! Now my shoulders and back are totally feeling it, and I'm not even close to being done.

As for eating? Ugh! I just want to eat and eat and eat and eat. Nothing is taming this monster. Sometimes I find myself with the will power and others, I just give in, but make the portions super small or even just a taste. I'm hungry all the time! But I am still maintaining.

I will get back outside once it cools down. Otherwise, I'm in here for the day with chores to do. I'm cleaning out my crafting areas and trying to get my mending pile free of mending. This, too, is hard work that kills my back and shoulders.

I've worked out every day for a whole week and am pretty proud of myself. Hopefully, I can keep this going. I've decided to do the cardio for another week, then go back to Jillian, unless the cardio is taken off (I hate that!) of Time Warner.

I'm drinking lots of water and just had my cup of coffee. However, I decided to limit it to two cups, as one just isn't enough, but I did cut down on the amount of sugar and cream I am using. Not much... but still a cut down.

Do You Know Why I Skipped Writing Yesterday?

Do you want to know? Even if you don't, I'm going to rant a little.

After all the hard work this past week with the cardio blasts and all the walking and still the cut-down on food and the much higher water intake... I only lost a little over 1/2 a pound. I was pretty peeved [other word inserted here]. *Sob* I don't get it.

No matter what I do, it doesn't want to come off and this isn't even down to the final 10 pounds. Oh well. I just have to roll with the punches. This is because the first 10 pounds came off so easily. Bummer. It's gonna be a long haul.

So, I wasn't in the mood to write. Obviously.

Today I feel better. My weight is the same as yesterday (I know... bad habit to jump on the scale everyday, but it calls my name!). I didn't "workout" per se, but walked for 1/2 hour, then did some MAJOR yardwork, working with taking out a whole landscape area. It was over an hour's worth of work... hard work... I sweated and sweated, and felt the good earth coming through my hands. Love it!

I'm a little tired right now. But I figured out what it is (I think). It more than likely is the prescriptions I've been taking. Apparently, I have to go through a whole lotta crap before they "start working." Hopefully this works, otherwise I'll have to go through it all over again with another set. Ugh! *sigh*

I felt so good, I took a shower and layered with my fave scent. I even put on makeup, and I'm not dressed in sweats (go figure!). My family is amazed at the transformation! lol.

Tomorrow is measurement day. However, I lost the sheet I wrote everything on, so I'll have to go back to my old Excel sheet (which was not updated the last time). Life happens, and then you throw it away. j/k. We'll see approximately how many inches I lost this month. Yippee!

Anywho, I still have lots to do today and spending it at the computer isn't part of it. Signing off for now...

Whew! I'm Exhausted.

I did more exercise today than normal. I did the CardioMax, then walked over 6 miles... not by choice. My feet and legs are killin' me!

Eating... did okay. Probably ate a larger portion or two, as I "felt" I was starving, due to my walk. I probably won't lose much weight, as I just bulked up a muscle or two. Ugh!

Don't have much to say, well because... I'M TIRED!

Water... Water...

Today I didn't drink much water. I'm a sucker for fresh beans, and I got a 2 lb. bag of Starbucks beans last night... so today I drank coffee... coffee... coffee... Yum... I was good in most other ways. Baked fish, green beans and noodles (only 1/2 cup!). Yay. I ate a couple of vanilla wafers for dessert (needed that treat!) and just strayed from the water.

Tomorrow will be another day.

Exercise? I did Bob Harper's workout again, against the screaming agony of my hamstrings and glutes. Boy did that exercise feel good and painful. I am still feeling it. My shoulders even hurt. But it's a good hurt. Don't know who I'll choose to do tomorrow morning... Jillian or Bob? Hmm...

I feel fairly good about today. I also joined The Biggest Loser League, which is a FREE service provided through NBC. (Thanks, guys!) I heard about it through my brother, who is also on his own journey through this hellacious hole of weight loss. Let's all give him some support, too. He seriously needs it, as he is in a lack-of-motivation state. Cheer him (and me!) on! With everyone's support and our own willPOWER, we can do it!!!!

Wish me luck and good POWER tomorrow!

Honestly... How Do People Do It?

I have watched what I've been eating. I may not be strict, but I've been eating WAY less than I used to. I cut out all my soda intake. I drink a ton of water each and every day. I exercise. And the weight just IS NOT falling off. I am working and working, and my body is not working for me.

Ok... enough of the rant.

Today was ok-ish. I exercised and did something different. Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Stretch is no longer available on Time Warner Cable, so I tried the Biggest Loser CardioMax. This is hosted by Bob Harper. Wow! It is bed time and I am so feeling it. It tired me out a little; I was "sweatin' like a man and breathin' like a man" as Bob says. It felt great! Although it was mostly cardio and no toning. Hmmm... maybe I'll do all cardio for a week or so and take off those pounds. I have a feeling (see above paragraph) that part of my weight issue is building of muscle mass? Uh... I sure hope so.

Eating today was alright. At dinner, I know I overdid it. But that's okay. I did not deprive myself and didn't go hog wild. Yay me!

Exhausted and going to bed. Signing off. Over and out... ZONK!

BUSY Weekend!

So... I officiated a swim meet all weekend, not getting in until really late. I ate fairly well, but had a few glitches (one of the wives makes the best chocolate chip cookies!). Yesterday was better, I didn't have a single cookie, but did have 3 cups of coffee.

I didn't end up exercising on Friday. I just couldn't get into it. Saturday morning was better, and so was Sunday. Today I did great. But my dvds haven't come yet of Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. So... when the freebie goes out tomorrow, I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm kinda kickin' out the snacks a little, as I was losing more when I just ate healthy and not too many snacks. This fist thing also doesn't seem to be working afterall. Oh well... you gotta try some things. Not everything works with everyone. So I'll keep trying, just not one of those fad diet things. Yuck!

Weigh - In, I'm NOT a Loser Today

I think the scale is definitely not my friend. And right now, I totally wish I was a guy. They can lose weight so much faster than a female. I seriously envy that. Seriously! Talk about depressing... like I don't have enough of that. I got on the scale this morning... and... it read that I had GAINED 1.5 pounds since last Friday. No way! But, the scale does not lie...

So, I need to really be better. The cookies and little sneaks here and there were a little much. My snacking wasn't much better. I need to go back to regular healthy snacks. I have been skipping all my fruits, eating junk, tasting too much. It wasn't really a treat anymore. I was going over the "do not deprive" thing and rationalizing it completely in my head. Get that junk out of my head.

I will be totally gung-ho this weekend (today, too!). I am officiating a swim meet, so what better influence than all of those healthy athletes with young fit bodies? There is none! I want to be just like them when I grow up! Hopefully, one day I will be.

Still Not A YAY Day!

I worked out, yet again, today. Still not feelin' it. With the weather as gorgeous (pretty only, as it's still been cold here - for us that is...) as it's been, you would think I would be feelin' it. But I am not. I can't wait for my Level 3 of Jillian Michaels 30-Day Stretch to get here...

Eating? Bowl of oatmeal with raisins, cup of coffee, water, water, water... Banana, more water... 2 thin slices meat, bowl of rice with 1 T Country Crock, more water... a couple ff's (French Fries... a super duper NO NO!), 1 piece bread with 1/2 t Country Crock (I really was craving this), more water... more ff's, a little bit of salad, 2 cups coffee... more water...

So... suffice it to say... I didn't do very well today! (Oops! A little Dr. Suess-y for me!)

Back On Track...

Today I worked out. I didn't feel like it, but I did it. I felt a little better afterwards and realized it wasn't so bad afterall.

However, if the scale is any type of supporter, it is on the opposite team. I know I shouldn't have stepped on it... saved it for my weigh-in date, but the numbers were there... I have gained. Ugh!

I've been doing fairly ok eating-wise. I had a salad tonight for dinner. I don't remember what I had for lunch, and breakfast was oatmeal and raisins. The snacks? Hmm... uh... Yeah, well, that's where I've been screwing up. I either haven't been eating them like I should have or eating what I shouldn't be eating. Yeah... that's it... Not a "YAY!" Day!

Totally Tuesday! (and no-newsday again!)

Again, I didn't work out. I started to, but was so totally exhausted (from what... I don't know), that I quit after 5 minutes. I could not do it. I couldn't do it later either.

Eating-wise, I did okay. Breakfast was oatmeal with raisins, one cup of coffee, lots of water... Lunch - chicken noodle soup (the homemade kind... made it myself!), and dinner was spaghetti with garlic bread. I did through in a donut and 2 cookies. Special treat in the rain.

I'm not rationalizing, and it's not okay, but I've just felt so down lately. Tired, too.

I Did OK Yesterday...

I went to a scrapbooking exposition.

Prior to actually getting there, we (me and my kids) met my mom to do the "swap." Denny's was our meeting place. In the past, I would have ordered the chicken-fried steak and eggs. That day... I ordered 1/2 a Moons Over My Hammy (yes, I know... lots of sodium, lots of calories, but I only ordered 1/2!). This comes with hashbrowns, which I did not eat all of them (yay me!). So you know... I only ordered the 1/2, because even though I preach "willpower", I don't yet have enough willpower to NOT eat the other 1/2 if it is in front of me.

Afterwards, at the EXPO, I walked around a bit. Drank water (not enough), ate two mini muffins (chocolate cupcake - no frosting), and ate a loaded baked potato. Dinner was breakfast for dinner, consisting of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns and biscuits (with Harry & David jelly). I ate moderately and felt fine.

I did exercise early in the morning, but I think I already told all of you that. Suffice it to say... I think I did pretty darn well for being out and about at a major social and snacking function (scrapbookers are WELL known for snacking during scrapping...) and staying away from it all. Yay me.

Today however, I did not work out. I ate cream of wheat for breakfast, ate a chocolate cupcake, snacked a little more than I should have, two biscuits, and for dinner... baked chicken (one leg), a little bit of rice and some green beans. I am okay about it all, but not totally happy. I could not get myself to work out. I thought I'd do it later, but didn't...

It's EARLY!

for me, that is... I didn't exercise at all and totally blew it on the food issue, although I did not drink any soda (miracle!). How can you say "no" to rib eye steaks? for breakfast? for dinner? And chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting with my fave ice creams? You can say, "yes!" I've been doing really good, and it was Valentine's Day. So, I'm a glutton at times...

Like I said, I didn't exercise. Yes, I have an excuse. I was finishing up my girls' Valentine's shirts and then they all started getting up. Yikes! I just cannot find it in me to exercise in front of them. The laughing and bugging just totally BUGS!

So... I got up this morning (yes, this early!) and worked out. Yeah me! I got up early so I can leave early. I am going cropping and shopping... so maybe I'll get some walking in. I'll seriously try to watch the snacking and other foods today. Good luck to all, and DRINK THAT WATER!!!

1/2 Pound Lighter

YES! I lost another 1/2 pound... I guess Friday the 13th isn't so bad afterall... I got up a little later, as the kids are off and sleeping. I did work out, I did weigh. I did great.

I am providing myself with the "proper" form and breathing (which is really difficult and has taken me almost forever to do; I'm still trying to master it), which is making me a little more achy. I will get over it.

Not much to say today, as I have a lot planned to get ready for Valentine's Day. LOTS of stuff to do!

I Almost Didn't Make It Today...

... But I did! I didn't work out first thing this morning. I didn't feel like it. But... after dropping off both the kids, I forced myself into it. And it didn't seem as bad this morning. I actually got through it much easier.

So... I think I'm ready for Level 3 of Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. However, since it isn't available for free through TimeWarner, I ordered it off e-Bay. With shipping, the whole series (Levels 1, 2 & 3) will cost me a whole whoppin' $11.79. I got the "Buy It Now" with $3.00 shipping. Pretty good, and will be here within 2-3 days. Oh! Not this week, though... Presidents Day is Monday. Oh well... Tuesday then. If you want the name or link of the seller, please e-mail me by clicking here.

After talking to 2 or more people that have expressed they read my blog but can't write their own, I made up a format (see previous post) to follow. You don't have to write everything like I do. This is just my way of keeping myself on top of it for me. Not everyone does the same thing. Any type of writing, even if just inputting data, will help.

I discovered something in talking to these people, though. I found out they have goals and are going through the same processes as me. One person has lost 92 pounds. Granted, it has taken a long time, but it is slow and gradual and will not come back. Good for you!

Another person has maintained since January. This is another great accomplishment. Good for you!

Baby steps is the key for both of you. I'm so glad you told me how you are doing. It makes me feel good about and for all of us.

If you, too, would like to e-mail me about your status, progress, or overall well-being, please feel free to do so by clicking here. Also, if there is too much hocus pocus to make a comment, feel free to e-mail me anytime. Your name will not be mentioned unless you want Super Kudos and want it mentioned. But no matter. Congratulations to all on any progress you make. I am proud of me and proud of you.

Can't Blog? Here's a Format for Ya!

Daily Blogging:
What I ate for...
Breakfast -
Snack -
Lunch -
Snack -
Dinner -
Snack -

Did I stick to the Plan?

I drank ___________ cups of water.

Did I stick to the Plan?

How much/what exercise I did today...

What I did that didn't fit into my weight loss plan...


What I can do to change it...

I feel...
[happy, sad, exhausted, tired, sleepy, burnt out, etc.]

Weekly Blogging;

Weekly weigh-in...
[pounds lost or gained.]

Comments on weight...

I feel...
[happy, sad, exhausted, tired, sleepy, burnt out, etc.]

Monthly Blogging:

[Post photos of original self and end of this month self]
Measurements:
Left bicep:
Right bicep:
Left thigh:
Right thigh:
Left calf:
Right calf:
Chest/Bust: [under breast]
Chest/Bust: [over breast]
Waist: [NOT hipline, like the teeny boppers!!!, actual waistline, or where it should be!]
Hips:
Clothes Size:
Comments on measurements...

I feel...
[happy, sad, exhausted, tired, sleepy, burnt out, etc.]

*NOTE: You can put either actual measurements or just size lost or gained. You can also tweak this blog entries to your liking. This is just an example for those who can't blog. Get out there and do it. I am telling you... blogging, or writing all this makes me keep doing what I need to do. It makes me much more accountable and honest than if I didn't. I'm not going to lie. If I didn't do this, my one self would talk my other self into not doing it and saying that since I did the laundry and some yardwork, I exercised... WRONG! So I do this blogging thing. It seems to work pretty well for me.

Remember, a blog can be anything you want it to be. It is your online journal. We are not in a high school English class, so you can write, or not write, about anything you want to, even if you just want to put down the basics. It will help you!

Good luck to you all and DRINK THAT WATER!!!

Addicted to Croutons!

A lowfat, low calorie snack... yum-O! By eating a "fist", it is between 20-30 calories and only 10 cals are fat. Woohoo! Like I said, yum-O! I've found this to be quick, flavorful, and totally satisfying.

Let's see... my other new snack and/or dessert food is good old-fashioned cookies by Maria. Maria's cookies come in an orange wrapper and are SO inexpensive and low caloried, and so YUMMY, with a hint of vanilla and lemon (they are $.27 a package for 4.93 oz. and 9 cookies for 115 calories!). They are so yummy! They are crisp and satisfying, especially for those of us with a sweet tooth. It sure helps to have something sweet I can eat to get me through the hard times.

Remember... I don't want to deprive anyone, especially myself! If I deprive myself, I am lying to myself about changing my lifestyle. The whole idea is to cut down and control, not cut out completely. This seems to be working just fine for me.

Water was a little dry today... don't know why, just didn't feel like it. For those of you who think water is "boring". Try a really great filtered water. The minerals or clean feel are so yummy! I just didn't feel like much to drink today. And for those who put lemon in a whole pitcher of water... it gets soggy and second-day tasting, so I urge you to put a fresh lemon into a FRESH glass. Soggy means yuck. Yuck means you won't drink it or lose your taste for water. If it still tastes boring... make a spritzer! Add 1-2 teaspoons of a no-sugar-added whole fruit juice. It'll freshen it up for you. Yum! Enjoy!

So I Forgot!

Yes, I was busy and tired yesterday and forgot to write. So sorry... but since there aren't many hits on here and no one really follows this... it's okay.

Yes, I worked out yesterday and ate fairly well.

Today, my schedule went a little chaotic, as I had to go back to the dealership (car was wonky again!), then on to Walmart, then Winco, then Sam's Club. I didn't get back until 10:30, so my breakfast was off, now so is just everything.

I did workout this morning, though. I don't like to eat when I first get up, so that's how that happened. I will try to write again more later... (didn't exactly make sense, but you know what I mean!)

Keeping With It!

Good morning, Peoples (my whole two followers and whoever else visits...)! True to what I promised myself, I did work out yesterday. Yay me! I also stuck with a healthy day eating-wise.

However, I probably did not get enough sleep. Boo. Oh well... I'll keep trying. I honestly don't get it how others can get so much done in one day, eat right, exercise and get enough sleep. It is beyond me. If anyone has any suggestions (without cutting anything important to me or my kids), please let me know. I am at a loss and need help at this point.

Today has gotten off to a good start. I exercised with Jillian Michaels again today (if only they had the Level 3 available for free!) and feel fairly good about it. I was unwilling to start it this morning, but pushed myself and finished it. Yay me!

I got a sample of SENSE, the Cortislim way, the other day. Before you get your stuff in a bunch... I AM NOT DOING THIS!!! I merely wanted to read their materials. It seems this is a basic dieting (healthier eating, not deprivation), sleep and exercise deal, with the "supplement" (DRUG - in my book!) controlling or "aiding" you to maintain a healthy stress level. Ok, I don't think so... But... they do have a fairly good meal plan, dealing with "fists". There are fists of every food you are supposed to eat, and they pretty much stick to this philosophy. This is a good program to follow, without the supplement, so I think I will.

So... in following this, I ate an apple, oatmeal, raisins, coffee (YES! they allow this wonderful beverage in their meal plans, even with a small dose of sugar and milk!!!), and water. I think I did pretty good. I'm full and satisfied, while eating healthy. What more could I want?

Anywho... we'll see what today brings me. I planned on walking to the library, but it seems the rain won't stop for that long, and I'm not taking a coughing toddler out in it. Plus! She doesn't want to go until she gets "better." After perusing this form of speech, I can't blame her and don't want to "endanger" the other kids of getting the same cold.

And! I have to pee almost all the time! All that water intake is STILL getting to me! Yikes!!! Gotta go again!

Cheat Day!

Not that I've been super dieting or anything. But... I just couldn't resist the pull of Dark Chocolate and Peppermint Moose Munch from Harry & David's. It was supposed to be a wonderful experience, something I remembered. Whelps... it wasn't nearly as good as I thought it would be. It was way too rich for me to eat the box!

I worked out today... still doing the Level 2 of 30-Day Shred. I decided not to "change it up" after last week's fiasco. I will "change it up" on February 25th, when the recording is no longer free to me through RoadRunner (TimeWarner). Now, after eating that candied popcorn, I am so dragging. Oh well.

I will be working out tomorrow, my typical rest day. First off, I need to make up for Tuesday's slacking. Secondly, I need to make up for today's candied popcorn. Yuck! I won't be doing that again. I found out that even though I wasn't depriving myself, even though I seriously craved it, with all of these lifestyle changes, the memories were much better than the real thing.

2 more pounds!!!

I did it again! I by-passed last week's gain, and lost two more pounds! Yippee! Now... if only my clothes felt like it. I admit, the t-shirts don't seem to stretch across my chest as much now, but hey! Ya gotta lose some, to lose somewhere else...

Yesterday, I kicked back on eating so much. My hubby just rolled his eyes. (So much for support, eh?) For lunch, I had a baked potato with nothing on it but one pat of wannabe butter (low cal margarine) and a side salad. The potato (and the skin) were the best! Dinner, I made Broccoli, Rice & Chicken casserole. It was good too, and I didn't overeat on portions.

I did work out this morning, and while the plank positions are getting easier, it is still difficult. I didn't quit today. My shoulders don't burn so much either... uh... I traded down in weights for the military presses and V-squats. Yeah, I know. But seriously, I could not finish the sets with the heavier weights. The idea is babysteps, right?

I don't quite know how today or the weekend will pan out, but we'll see as we get there. In the meantime, I'm still ecstatic that I lost so much so far! I won't quite tell you my weight (as it's really embarassing), but let's just say I haven't been this weight in over a year. Yay me!

A Little Better Today!

YAY! Both me and my daughter feel a little better today. So... I did Level 2 again of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. It killed me, but it felt GREAT!

I had 1/2 cup of coffee so far this morning. I don't feel like eating. I am constipated (TMI!!) and feel a little bloated, too. How 'bout those water pills? Do they work? I have been eating fiber up the wazoo, but nothing yet. I constantly have to pee with all of the water intake!

Almost like someone with diabetes. I didn't used to drink so much water, but now that I am, I feel parched a lot of the day and go to the bathroom fairly regularly. Like almost every hour. This makes doing anything else slightly difficult. I had better hope every place I go has some decent bathroom and no line or more than one stall. Which reminds me... I have to go now!

I AM Going to Die!

Today I really didn't work out. I think my 4-year-old's illness is rubbing off on me... She woke up at 5am and really didn't take a nap, so it was difficult to work out. I know... excuses, excuses...

I tried at around 10am, when it appeared she was napping, but that lasted the whole of 10 minutes, in which 5 of them I did work out. But it was hard. I felt like I was going to die, and I really hadn't even gotten started!

I twisted my wrist doing "plank" push-ups. This is where you touch your toes, then walk your hands out into a push-up type position, only shoulder-width apart. If you are a beginner (which I am), you hold the push-up position. If you are advanced (which I am most definitely not!), you actually do a push-up. Ugh! Then "walk" your arms/hands back into a toe-touch, then stand up again and start over. On the second walking down, the palm of my hand slipped and I strained the ball portion of my hand, plus my wrist. So... I gave myself a break, as not only did this happen, but I felt like crap and my breathing was labored (not due to exercise). AND, I felt like I had no energy, and I was dragging throughout most of the day.

My hubby and I did finish painting (at least I think we finished) a daybed for my daughters room. I believe 3 coats of this is considered exercise, especially when I was squatting and bending over quite a bit!

Eating? Having hubby on vacate is really truly difficult. He does not believe in watching what you eat. When I came out of a store, he had with him (for me) - chicken nuggets, a Big Mac, and 1/2 order of fries. Need I say more? For breakfast, I had two small pancakes, but with the "lunch" and snack combined, that was way more calories than I wanted to consume. I felt SO full still, that I didn't eat dinner, just had a piece of fruit and lots of water. I did have a soda at the water polo game. It was good, but I felt full after the first 1/3 of it, and it took me the rest of the day to finish. Yay me!

My water intake was a little off... but I think I compensated for that tonight. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

"I Want You To Feel Like You Are Going To Die!"

says Jillian Michaels in her Level 2 workout of 30-Day Shred. And I do/did while doing it. I even do the low impact (beginner) portion that my new BFF (Anita - on the dvd) is doing. And I still feel it!

But, I am still making it through. Been having a little bit of trouble. Juan (my hubby) is on vacate, so always wants to eat out. Ugh! If only... How do you say no? He doesn't believe in lower calories or healthier eating. I do much better when he's at work.

But today is leftovers, and I'm still full from lunch. I think I'll pass. I did healthier snacks all day long, so it should be pretty okay.

At least I now notice a little difference in the clothing feel, so it's a little more "up" in my thoughts. Keep going, keep going!!!

Saturday and Super Bowl!

I did work out Saturday. I decided to change it up a bit. I did "The Crunch - Cardio Salsa". Uh... It is 5 chapters. I got through 3 and headed for the cool down. I had my right hip burning (and feeling like it was gonna pop) and the opposite calf screaming at me. BUT! I still did 20 minutes of cardio workout. It was a nice change, despite the screaming joints and muscles.

Saturday was otherwise just doing prep work for Sunday. Way to go!

Sunday... Need I say anymore? Rest day, and day of Super Bowl. My body is still paying the price. After eating a lot healthier the past month, even with my "allowances", the fat (just thinking about it!) and grease really got to me. But, I ate a little bit. I nibbled here and there, not taking oodles of food, but just a bite or two. I really did not eat that much. I munched on some nuts and 2 tangerines, as well. But! Then came birthday cake. Oh Yum! And I only ate one cupcake! Yeah me!

Y'all may not think that's very good, but let me tell you. It is for me. Baby steps. I also did not deny myself and set myself up for future (whether immediate or not) failure. So YEAH!

Today... I spent the morning with Jillian, but advanced myself to her Level 2 class. OMG! I thought I was gonna die! But... I got through it. I'm not sore just yet, but we'll see.

Eating? Today has been ok. I ate 1/2 sandwich (low cal - from Jason's Deli) with a cup of soup for lunch. (Skipped breakfast - don't know why... just didn't feel hungry.) And for dinner, we are having left over sloppy joes. Not too bad. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Gained Almonst One Pound, But I'm Still Doin' Fine

Yikes! But to make myself feel better, I measured myself as compared to 6 months ago, which was when I was even "smaller" than January 1st this year.

I am proud to say I lost inches!!! I can honestly feel good! I worked out and watched what I ate, for the most part. Yes, I ate cake, and yes, I ate cookie, but that was it. I had a very small piece of each.

Inch-wise, I lost a total of 15.5 inches. This is taken from measurements of my arms (biceps), upper thighs (the largest part), calves, hips, waist and bust. I lost 4 inches in just my waist and 2 inches in my hips! Woohoo! Unfortunately, a side effect of losing weight is where you want it most... Yes... my bust is shrinking. I lost some there, too.

On another note, I worked out again with Jillian Michaels today. I am still on her Level 1. However, I browsed Level 2 today (after my workout).... not sure I'm ready for that. It appears quite difficult to me. We'll see. I think I might need to change it up to get some results.

I did feel rather tired this morning. Since I worked out in the late afternoon yesterday, the push-ups were EXTREMELY difficult for me. Oh well. I got through it... PUSH, Push, push!

Delayed Workout Does Me In!

This morning, my workout was put to an abrupt halt 5 minutes into it. My 4-year-old was already awake (she is usually asleep when I exercise). That was NOT the problem, though. She watched a movie (for 2 minutes) then decided she wanted to tell me she loved me (Awww..!). Then... she kept talking to me, and finally... patting me on the thigh and telling me, "Good job, Mom!" was a little too much. I had to stop. I can barely catch my breath while exercising without talking to anyone. So... I delayed my workout.

I felt a little "off" most of the day. But, as 4pm came around, she was napping, and everything that needed immediate attention was done, I worked out. Uh...

I have since then felt a total drag. At 6pm, I felt like it was 11pm. I am totally exhausted! I fell asleep for a little bit, then woke up (have ta finish my laundry... ya know!). So, here I am, eyes burning, brain hurting, body feeling a little weak... I think I'll just get up earlier tomorrow morning and see how that works out.

Busy... Busy...

So I didn't write yesterday, but I maintained. And it was hard. My (now) 4-year-old had her birthday and wanted a BIG cookie (pizza-sized) with M&M's and a cake (vanilla/vanilla). Plus, she had pizza. Ok, so I ate one SMALL piece of cake, and two SMALL squares of the cookie. I only ate one piece of pizza and a couple of chips. So... today should be a better day, we got all of that out of the way.

Worked out both days, but today I was dragging in it. I didn't want to finish, but Jill (on the DVD) kept telling me not to stop, to not even think about turning off the DVD. And so... I didn't. I finished the workout and I'm better for it.

I haven't been gardening this week, as there isn't much time. I've been going, going, going! Whether it's one thing or another, I just keep going.

So... stay busy, exercise, take medications (if you need to), drink LOTS of water, cut down portion sizes, and be sure to dress well. This last one is important. Dress like you feel good about yourself. This doesn't mean "dress up." It just means brush your teeth and your hair, put shoes on, makeup (if you wear it), and for Heaven's sake... take those dirty sweats (and anything stained) off! Sweats are ok, as long as they are cleaned and not hole-y. This is another exercise in believing in yourself. If you look good, you are bound to feel a bit better. Eventually, this (too) will rub off on you and make you feel better and actually begin to believe... in YOU!

Snap, Crackle and Pop... and It ISN'T Rice Krispies!!!

Even though I've been working out for over 3 weeks now (yay me!), you'd think the sounds I my body makes was my daughter eating her breakfast cereal. I still hear joints popping, bones creaking, and hips groaning. I hear my knees and shoulders pop, my fingers and wrists seem to crackle, and occasionally... my ankle snaps. Don't fret, now... it doesn't hurt. It just makes me realize how long portions of my body sat there... unused.

Do you have unused parts of your body? Don't worry about it. Just start out and go slowly. It's okay to do modified impact. It's okay to not go "full out". If you ease into it, you are much less likely to hurt yourself or burn yourself out. It is a good thing. Just do your best and keep going. Babysteps!!!

This last weekend was really hard for me. I ate well on Saturday, but Friday was too much food for me to say no to. However, I didn't eat as much as I would have previously, so I believe I did fairly well. Yesterday, fresh brownies were made in my house, and it was freezing outside. How can anyone say no to warmth in the form of chocolate, I ask you! I am not that willPOWERED but I did pretty well, to say the least and didn't come out of it by eating half a pan... I only ate 1 1/2 small brownies. Not too bad, but not too good, either.

Today will be a better day. It is more routined, more scheduled, and I am grateful for that.

I did workout today. I exercised with Ms. Jillian. It was difficult to get through it, as for some unexplained reason, I felt more stress on my body during the workout, causing me to feel tired. BUT! On a good note, I finished my workout anyway. Yay me!

Sticking To It...

Although I skipped writing yesterday, I did workout. I also ate "fairly" well. I official swim meets, and yesterday was a meet.

So... after not really being able to sleep (see my "other" blog), I finally took a nap for 2 1/2 hours, then got up at 5:15 am, worked out with Jill (30-Day Shred again), ate an orange, did dishes and minor cleanup. I was out the door by 7am. When I got to the meet, I ate scrambled eggs with salsa (nothing else on it... no potatoes, no cheese, no tortilla [I would usually get the works in a breakfast burrito], so YAY ME!!!) and a banana. For lunch, I splurged a little bit. They offered Chik-Fil-A sandwiches (fried chicken breast). I went ahead and got one, but declined the chips and other junkie items.

Let me tell you... the temptations are there. Although it is swimming for youth, the snack bars usually have a good choice of junk: donuts, bagels, "the works" breakfast burritos, pancakes, sausage, chili dogs, hamburgers, nachos, chips, candy, soda, coffee... Do you see what I mean? I did not drink coffee, or soda all day at the meet... only water. And it was good! AND it wasn't hard to do. The temptations might be there, but I wasn't overly tempted.

I began this journey knowing that if I full-on "dieted", then it wouldn't work for me, because I know myself. I would cave. It would feel forced, and I would resent it. Not this time.

Since we are on our feet all day, I wasn't sitting on my butt.

Then... I went to Chuck E. Cheese with my kids, Mom, nephew, sister and her bf. I sampled the cheese, had two boneless wings, 2 pieces of pizza (small ones to make it "appear" like more), and a salad. I tried a cup of coffee, but only ended up having a couple sips (it really helps when it isn't "good" coffee [lol!]!!!). I did have to try a 2 small bites of brownie when I got to my mom's house. My (almost) 4-year-old made them, so... I had to tell her how they were. But, again I resisted the calling. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I worked out again this morning (yeah! I said I would do it since I skipped Friday!) and feel relatively well. Although... I am exhausted from yesterday's marathon of sleeplessness. I also took pics, but after not really seeing any results (do you see any? please let me know in the comment section. my girls "claim" they do, but i just don't see it and my clothes don't feel like they fit "differently"), I have decided I will only takes pics once a month, on the 1st of the month, to be fairly equal to the original starting point of January 1st, 2009.

Today - NO Exercise! Tonight - NO CHILDREN!

My hubby got his W-2s in, so I worked on taxes most of the morning (the CA website is SUPER slow, and so is my computer). Also, my (almost) 4-year-old got up at 7am. What is with her? But hey. I still worked super hard. I did some knees to floor work while cleaning, and still feel good.

To make it up (which I will), I will be skipping Sunday as my rest day this week. (Cheer me on!)

But... for the good news... I lost two (2) more pounds! Yay me! I also got a new scale, which is digital, that is whey the tenths is on there. Woohoo! I'm doing great! I am proud of myself! You can be, too!!!

Enough for now... I got a hot date with my hubby tonight. We are actually doing NO CHILDREN!!! Let's see how that goes.

Without Jillian Today...

Today, my almost 4-year-old woke up earlier than normal. So... I wasn't able to exercise with my motivator, Miss Jillian Michaels. Bummer, but... I did her workout (sans Jill!) anyway and just set my timer for 30 seconds to keep up the interval pattern. Worked for me! I even sweated more. Probably because I was killing myself, as I started my workout WAY late for me. I almost wasn't sure I'd get it in. But I did. I made myself... and it wasn't that bad.

Okay folks... the recipe that is on the sidebar for the flushing-type tea (drink) tastes HORRIBLE!!!! But, today I'm going to the bathroom constantly, so it must take a day to "work." However, I think I will still drink 3 cups of tea (1 teabag each at different point37.56/12) with just a splash of cranberry juice and a splash of lemon juice. This will be much easier to "phone it in" (down it quickly) than to drink almost two quarts of nasty stuff! Plus, I drink enough water throughout the day, I really don't need the diluted version.

I haven't weighed myself yet. Will save that for tomorrow morning, as I did my initial weigh at 11:30pm, and have decided (after the poll that only one person completed - guess I don't have very many readers... lol!) to weigh myself first thing in the morning. Maybe this will do more for my whompa! Gotta give something a try, as I haven't been doing this that long, yet I feel I've already reached one plateau and nothing is changing!

I'm thinking this "flushing" is hopefully the change I need to rev my engine. Woohoo! I'm comin'!!!

What "Other" Type of Exercise are You Doing?

I just don't think that if I exercise in the morning and eat well throughout the day and sit on my butt, it will work... this losing weight thing. So, in an effort to institute business, I have begun making lists. I've looked around at things I've been neglecting, i.e. gardening (weeding, thinning out plants, re-planting, etc.), sewing (mending, UFOs [unfinished objects], etc.), cleaning (deep cleaning and organizing), etc.

This week, I've been working on the flower beds in my front yard. The goal was to work 1/2 hour each day. Beginning Monday, I worked 1 1/2 hours (300% of my goal!). Yesterday, I worked a little over an hour, and only finished because you kinda can't do that kind of thing in the dark... Today was another 1 1/2 hours. So, my flower beds are lookin' good (I still have a painter's palette-shaped one in the VERY front to do), and I am almost done with the front. I also pruned the rose bushes, since some blooms have just croaked. I also thinned out the strawberries (took off all the dead leaves and replanted some runners in thinning spots). If you don't think gardening or weeding is exercise, think again.

Every year, when I begin my gardening (I go through spurts), my legs and back are sore and achy, my shoulders feel like they've been lifting 50 lb bags of flour all night, and I just get tired. The crab grass that runs wild here is a workout alone. Whelp... this time, I don't have any of that (THANK YOU, JILLIAN MICHAELS!!!), except the tiredness. Hopefully, that, too - in time - will leave my list of complaints.

Jillian worked me again this morning, then I went and did my crab grass routine (see above). I did some laundry (another workout, if you walk back and forth to push each item away individually and not save steps...) and am now eating oatmeal with raisins. I still have yet to watch DietTribe and The Biggest Loser from this week. Hopefully I'll be able to get to that today.

I am still having insomnia. I go to bed fairly late. I keep promising myself (and my doctor) that I will lay down with 8 hours to sleep. I understand that I need to sleep to lose, but I really don't want to take a sleep aid. But, I'm sure this is my problem, as the scale doesn't seem to be moving (yeah, I know... I really shouldn't weigh everyday, but hey! it just calls to me...).

Totally Tuesday!

And I stuck to it, still working out! I heard Jillian yelling at me (as I drove my kids to school this morning) that I'd better workout when I got home. Yes... I hear her voice. I know it's my own mind, but hey! whatever works for me... lol! And it does work. I did the squats lower and harder, and I still feel ok. Yay me!

I went out for breakfast this morning and only at 1/2 of a muffin (Oh... so yummy!) at Mimi's Cafe, with no butter! It tasted JUST FINE! No seriously! It did. I realized for the first time goin gthere that it didn't need butter at all. I also only drank one cup of coffee. I am so proud. I did have a "just enough" breakfast, which was a small portion of potatoes, black beans, and egg and a tortilla with varioius heat-producing salsas. Very good, and didn't make me "want" to eat the remainder on my plate, because... well... there weren't any. But, like I said... they were "just enough" portions, and that is the intent.

I've been drinking my water faithfully. I think, overall, on day 20... I'm doing pretty good. This is the longest I've ever stuck to my guns and kept on going.

And, Josh, if you are reading this... you should have faith and believe in yourself. You have a wonderful child that NEEDS you to. He believes in you, and children are the most intuitive beings, especially at such a young age.

To all of you... don't put off today. Utilize the "NOW". Tomorrow will be today then yesterday, then the day before yesterday. Before you know it, it will be last week! And, if you go ahead and start, you may slip. Don't quit, don't stop. Just keep the ball going. Play the game of life, and come out ahead by picking yourself back up again and sticking to your guns. (Can you tell I feel "positive" today? LOL!) Maybe if you say or think positively, eventually, even you will believe yourself.

Weight Loss and Personal History - Setting Yourself Up for Failure (AGAIN!)

This subject is a little hard for me to write on. But, since I hope to get more followers, I am addressing everyone out there in blogland.

Some of us inherit obesity. Some of us develop a mental disorder based on some trauma, whether it is abuse (of any type) or something tragic that happened in our childhoods or other time in our lives. For whatever reason you may be overweight or obese, help and support are always necessary.

I began seeing a therapist (new one!) on Friday. Gotta love it. I decided after all of these years of trials and failures, I needed to be real and be true to myself. I realize that it is not just a matter of saying and doing, but getting to the root of the problem. My problem is me. My problem involves my (sometimes) lack of willPOWER and my overall mental health. I need to be healthy all around, not just my body.

My failures are due to my dissolving of my confidence. Before, I would start a program (can't tell you how many times I have done that) and do it ok for a couple of weeks, then start to talk myself out of it, making myself feel like a failure, even though I hadn't quite failed yet. But, I constantly set myself up for failure, because I felt I deserved it.

I realize that not everyone has the insurance or the money to seek out a therapist. I strongly advise you join a group such as Overeaters Anonymous or any other therapy group. This type of group is either free or minimal charge and will give you the steps you need to help yourself.

I know I always say that I am my own support group, that I don't have one at home. This is still true. My support group is me. I fought myself to actually get the help that I need to make this bout of weight loss a success. I am tired of failing. But all of you who visit and especially those that leave comments are my support as well. I want to thank each and every one of you.

Please leave a comment. When you leave one, it also gives me a way to find you, and help you on your journey as well. We all need each other in this journey. It has been said before... Never climb a mountain on your own, for who will catch you should you fall...

Is "Alli" Really an Ally? - DIETER'S BLOG CANDY ALERT!

Here I am, at 2:30 in the morning. Can't sleep, shouldn't eat (and I'm not), can't do much... So, I did what I really shouldn't do... I stepped on the scale. Ugh... I gained a pound! Now, I'm not going to add that to my weight loss ticker, as it isn't the day I should be weighing in anyway. I haven't gone to the restroom, and this was just a horrible time to do it. I seriously need to train myself to resist that temptation. It is, after all, such a deterrent towards my goals and is extremely depressing. Not that I don't have enough depressants already.

So, in my thought process, all I could think about was, "Maybe I should take 'Alli' or shouldn't I?" Hmmm... I haven't been overeating and have been seriously maintaining my portion control and Coke/coffee intake. Should I use the diet aide or should I "kick it" on my own? Please leave a comment and tell me your thoughts!

If you post a comment, you will be entered into my first ever blog candy contest. Of course, since this is a weight loss blog, it will be "Dieter's Candy." The winner, drawn at random next Monday night (January 26th), will be the new owner of a pedometer. Post your comments, and come back again to check if you are the winner. Good luck!

Whew! Last Night was a Doozie!

My problem was definitely not eating last night. I was so busy... visiting and dancing. So, YES! I did extra exercising (I even worked up a sweat!). Yay me! Plus, I didn't eat that much. I only had one taco, a serving of beans, 1 serving of rice and a couple of corn tortillas. I even cut off the Coke(Coca-Cola). I drank 2 bottles of water, ate a portion of a small piece of cake (taking off all the frosting and the filling)... so all in all - I did pretty good.

Prior to the party, I ate a Big Mac (thank you McDonald's!) and a small handful of fries. Honestly! Who can resist when they are 2/$3.00? Yum-O! But, I did take off a lot of the sauce and most of the "tweenie" (the bread in between the two beef patties). And I was full. I used to be able to eat a full order of fries and 1-2 Macs, but those days are gone. Thank goodness!

I don't know if I will work out today. It's supposed to be my "rest" day. However... I will be cleaning my mom's house, so I'll be moving a lot. Tomorrow morning, it's back to my regular week, although the kids do have the day off. Oh well. Keep going, I know I will!

Super Saturday!

Today is going to be a busy day. So... even though I was tired from last night, I got my butt up and worked out earlier, so it didn't interfere with my day.

I changed Jillian's workout a little though. She does a couple minutes weights, then a couple cardio, then weights, then cardio, etc. I kept this regime. However, in her first "set" of cardio, she does jumping jacks then "jump rope". This just kills my knees, and I was really having a hard time doing it. It was painful, but not muscle pain. It was putting to much stress on my knees in one shot, as both moves completely impact the knees. The next set of cardio is a "butt kick" (where you sorta jog in place but kick your glutes, working the thighs) and a squat and punch. The third and final set is a combination of the two sets, jumping jacks, then butt kicks, then squat and punch, and ending with jump rope. So, I changed the first and second set's combinations: first set - jumping jacks then butt kicks; second set - jump rope then squat and punch. This works much better for me. My knees didn't feel like they were going to dislocate, which they are very well known for doing at any given time.

So, I feel good, but still tired. Tonight, though, I will have to be fairly careful... we are going to a Quincenera (15th birthday party for a girl), which is a really big thing, almost as big (and sometimes just as big or bigger) than a wedding. Lots of food (FATTY FOOD) and drink. I will survive! The power is in me - willPOWER!!!!

2 more pounds!!!

I lost 2 more pounds! Yeah! This next week, I'm going to try Jillian's recipe to the right (in the sidebar). I hope to "flush out my system" a little and feel more energetic. Hopefully, that will also lead to more pounds lost.

I am extremely tired. I thought (because "experts" said so...) that once I started exercising and eating right on a regular basis, I would have a lot more energy... So... when is it coming? I can't wait for that energy to get here...

I'm okay with my weight loss, because I know what I did this week. I also didn't kill myself and deny things that beckoned. I used the moderation method and feel pretty good about my choices.

Last night, I ate 6 dark chocolate Hershey Kisses. Today... I ate a 2 pieces of bacon, but stopped there. I also ate a bunch of popcorn (sans butter) tonight at the movies. I think I did pretty okay. Yay me. I will keep going.

On another note... I had a doctor appointment today. And while they have gone to "paperless", it is really saddening and depressing that when they show me the screen, in the lower right hand corner, with a bright red flag next to it... it says "OBESITY: active". How sad is that? I don't think I look that large, but then again, I'm not a doctor. It certainly puts a reality check on me. I look forward to the time when I go in, glance at the screen, and nothing with a bright red flag will be there. Woohoo... 43 pounds to go! Yeah me!

Am I Doing It Right?

Schwoo! Even though my muscles aren't getting sore anymore and I can actually get through the whole 30-Day Shred, my breathing is still difficult. As I close my eyes while doing my crunches, I hear Jillian's voice saying, "Exhale" and "Inhale" during certain parts of the regime. Sucking in your tummy, belly button to the floor and inhaling on the way down? Uh... I can barely breathe, let alone concentrate on how I am breathing!

So, I ask... is there a difference as long as I am breathing? Maybe this is my problem...

Uh... NO! My problem (and I have to admit it) is that while I was once pretty fit (WAY back in the day!), I let it go. I am one of those people that constantly told myself I could work it off and not worry about anything. And here I am today, more than 50 pounds overweight and barely able to get through a workout. Yuck!

I am trying to reinforce to my girls that they need to STAY in shape. This is a forever task. It does not stop. We should not stop it. Do they really want to end up like me? I sure hope not. And so I'll keep telling them... until I die! I really don't want them to have to fight like I do.

While I worked out this morning, I had to focus... not on Jill telling me to keep going, not on the exercises, but on continuing the exercise. I seriously wanted to stop. So... I looked up at the ceiling while I did "butt kicks" and "jumped rope". I breathed with a Cheerio mouth, concentrating on pushing the air out of the little hole my lips had formed.

BEWARE: TMI (TOO MUCH INFORMATION ZONE!)
I listened to my flabby pouch hit my "bikini line" and cringed. This is something I want to get rid of. The sound disgusts me. It sounds like a flat tire hitting the road at high speed as the car continues to move. Gross!

Another thing I'd like to get rid of... my Uni-Boob! While all women like things to be "lifted and separated", it is not always possible in a sports bra. However, I am hoping that with more work, my "friends" will become a little more like they used to be.

I'm also hoping (and praying!) that when the weight goes, so will the itching. I itch everywhere! In all places fatty. The fat hangs and causes an "icky" feeling... and it itches! Yuck! I disgust myself.
OK: LEAVING TMI!

Now, don't get me wrong. If you are overweight, you do not disgust me. It is those little things that each and everyone of us is so critical of in ourselves that disgust me. It is me that disgusts me. I need to get off this roller coaster and shake it off!

Hmm... maybe I'll go do something else "productive" for the time being. Today is laundry day. According to Jonathan of the No Excuse Workout, if I walk back and forth to put away ONE item at a time, I will get in another workout. It's worth thinking about.

But, as I am starting to realize today is weigh-in, I am wondering if morning, daytime, or night is better. (I've been keeping Thursday night weigh-ins.) Please take the poll in the right-hand side bar and tell me what you think. Feel free to leave comments to explain your theory. Thanks in advance!

Got Some Energy Back...

... but I don't quite know where it came from! Yesterday, I did not workout at all. Well, I guess in a small way I did.

I had to go get the tires rotated sometime in the day. Instead of sitting and waiting in the lounge area for my car to be done, I had taken the stroller. So... Marissa and I "strolled" (walked) over to Home Depot and tooled around a bit. We walked through the gardens and smelled all of the flowers as well as priced certain citrus trees I would like. We then went in and checked out a bunch of other things in this glorious store. When I came back (almost an hour later), my car was done, and we were free to go. I guess I got some sort of exercise, but I still was dragging. Later, I went walking around Walmart looking for some things. So, I didn't just "veg" all day...

I just DID NOT feel up to working out. So sluggish with eyes burning... every move was a massive effort.

I ate moderately (but did eat more potato chips than planned!), and did fairly well. I fell asleep a little later than the previous night, but couldn't sleep when I wanted to!

Today is another story. I woke up - Refreshed, Renewed, with much more energy than the previous day! Don't know how that happened... So I said, "Hello!" to Jillian again. I worked out and don't even feel sore, 30-Day Shred and all! Yay me!

I also have gone back to eating the fruits I neglected myself yesterday. I am drinking my water again. Woohoo! It's really hard some times. I feel the flab flap (how's that for an alliteration?!) when I exercise and it totally disgusts me. But I sometimes just do not have the motivation to keep going. I'm using this blog as a motivator... I don't want to be a quitter, and don't want to admit that I failed... so here I am. I will keep going. I will endure.

I didn't watch The Biggest Loser last night, and I didn't TiVo it. (American Idol was on, so couldn't TiVo more than 2 things at a time, and there were other things being recorded.) So I don't know what happened, but will hook-up with the news later. I did watch DietTribe (recorded from Monday). Pretty good. I guess I'm not the only one who gets emotional...

I haven't stepped back on the scale and have been resisting the temptation. It's really hard. But... I'm my own support team, and I won't be setting myself up for failure again. Congrats to me!

Ugh! I Need Some ENERGY!!!

This morning, I failed to workout. I fell asleep last night really early (before 8:30 p.m.) and got up once to take a shower (1:45 a.m.) and clean up just a little bit, but then went right back to bed. I felt like I still hadn't slept. Well, this morning, I got up at 7 a.m. and still felt the same. Very sluggish... kinda drowsy... what could it be? My eyelids even feel heavy!

So, as I go through some of the motions today (not really getting anything done), I have been thinking about the possibilities. (I have also semi-promised myself I'll get some type of workout in today.) Okay... here goes: I didn't really do my full water intake Friday, Saturday, Sunday or yesterday (Monday). I also didn't eat my healthy snacks throughout the day on any of those days. So... I'm wondering if it is maybe a possibility of the two put together? Hmmm... let's think on that a while and try out my theory tomorrow. However, point to note: uh... before I started all this I was just fine in that department - except I had a ton of caffeine and sugar all day long... I guess I'll spend some time re-thinking this. In the meantime...

I'm still so TIRED! Anyone out there? Help me! I don't want to fall off. (This is certainly where I need the support system!)

After My Day of "Rest"...

Yesterday, as I sat at my computer contemplating whether I was going to work out or not, I was just tired. I wasn't burnt out, just flat out tired. We had come in at 11pm the night before (Saturday) and I slept late yesterday. I had worked out 6 days in a row. I was feeling ok (soreness-wise), but my body just felt depleted of all energy. So I wondered...

Do I work out today because I over-ate on Friday? (I was really "good" on Saturday, minus the amount of water I should be taking in, as I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom too much - I was at a memorial and a type of "wake"...) or do I rest, as Jonathan from No Excuse Workout says to rest on Sundays? Hmmm... there must be a reason for this. And I pondered throughout most of the day.

At the end of the day, I hadn't worked out. I also didn't fully take in water. But! I didn't drink my scapegoat too much. I stayed within my limit of coffee (only drank 1 1/2 cups) and didn't drink any soda. Yay me! I didn't "overeat" either. I did pretty well. However, not only did I not workout that day... I didn't really do anything except the dishes and clean off some counters. I ended up "gel-ing" while watching movies. I was so tired!

This morning... the kids finally went back to school. I went to bed late last night (couldn't sleep! I know... go figure!). But I worked out this morning (Hello, Jillian!) and don't feel sore yet. I hope to do well today.

It is hard. It is really hard not to step on the scale everyday. So... I do. I really shouldn't. It deflates me when the weight hasn't changed. But... I must persevere, as this change is for me and no one else.

But, going back to Saturday... I felt good about the weight loss (even though it was only a couple of pounds). I dressed up (of course... for a memorial), put on makeup (which is rare for me), did my hair (which is even more rare), and squeezed into one of those suck-you-up thingies to make it even more pronounced. Did my husband even notice? Uh... don't know... he never said anything. (That's my support group for you!) So, Sunday morning, I let him know he "failed" the test... I had to laugh! I asked him, "Didn't I look 'skinnier' to you?" He said, "What do you think I am, CRAZY? I'm not stupid enough to answer that question!"

I have to admit... he has a point. I didn't think about it that way. Hmm... I "think" I would be ok if he said that I looked "skinnier" that day (or any day for that matter). But... as it was pointed out to me, that could be flipped around to "mean" (in a woman's mind) that I looked "fat" on other days. Poor guy... was in a Catch-22. I get it. So... I won't ask again. I understand.

Anywho... since the girls are back in school, I actually have a "schedule" to tend to again. Yikes! I need to go to bed earlier!!! Even Oprah (and her experts) say to get lots of rest to lose weight, that your body needs to re-energize and heal itself, otherwise, you won't lose very well at all.

Missed One!

Yeppers... I did not post yesterday! So... I missed one. Life happens. I didn't get in until 2a.m., and heck if I was going to sit down and write. But, for the most part, at a dual birthday celebration, I think I did pretty well last night.

Still doing 30 Day Shred. Jillian is starting to make me feel really good! I am getting through those workouts better everyday. I was still a little sore, but I did a little more in between the advanced and beginner in the squats (a little more "full out") and such and worked it. "Burn, Baby, Burn!" is what her newsletter said yesterday, and that's what I did. Then... afterwards, my day became a little chaotic.

We had to get stuff together super quick to go. We got to my mom's early, so the girls and I walked (the little one - she's 3, almost 4 - opted to stroller-sit this one out) down to the Carl's Jr. Yeah, I know... a little fatty... but we were walking, and I hadn't eaten all day (this was 2:30'ish). I was bad in the eating area and hadn't really had my water intake either. I opted to split a burger with one kid, split a nacho with another, and split my split of the nacho with the burger child. So, I ended up eating 1/2 burger and 1/2 of a 1/2 (1/4) of super nachos. We took water. Yay us! Wasn't bad at all, and we did walk back.

Unfortunately, I cannot resist Almond Roca. I admit (because I am supposed to be honest and accountable here) between first arrival and dinner, I ate four (4) golden wrapped Almond Roca candies. They were yummy, but not as addicting as I remember. I honestly don't know why I ate them, probably from habit, as my nerves were still booming with the anxious rush of adrenaline from the previous chaos of the day. But, I do know, I was able to stop. Yay me!

Dinner was a breeze. Ok, so it was fried shrimp and fries, but I only ate 5 shrimp and not even a handful of fries. My salad was fairly large (with mixed baby greens and spinach), and I drank more water. Cake? Oh yeah! I resisted the ice cream. A little hard to do... but with choosing a cupcake over the cake, it was easier. The trick? I ate the cupcake over a napkin, not over a plate. This left no room for the ice cream, and also didn't give the "appearance" something was missing. Oooohhh... I am pretty proud of myself.

I also resisted picking up more shrimp as I walked by throughout the evening. Whew! That was good. I admit... I almost picked up another piece, thinking "this one won't hurt me..." and killed that thought, with the question, "and do you really need it, Lisa?"

(Yes, I talk to myself quite a bit through all of this. Remember, I am my own support system.) See my motto to the right (in the sidebar)? "There is no magic wand to make the weight go away. The magic... is YOU! Use your willPOWER!" I believe this.

I have begun a weight loss program so many times throughout the years. I griped, I complained (afterall, it's what I do best!), and made it someone else's fault. It was everyone else's fault. Never really mine. I didn't have a support system, no one encouraged me, everyone always offered me candy and fatty foods, as well as more food... etc., etc. You know... we've all heard it before. What I realized (this time), was that I really don't care what other people think or say or do. I have to seriously do this for me and no one else. It is hard, it is a battle, it is a mountain (see my title pic!). Others can climb it with me, if they want to... but no matter what, I will do it! It is a challenge I must accomplish, only to challenge myself.

It's not that I don't need others to support me at all. There are those things in life that you just "have" to do by yourself. Like... uh... you are constipated (I know... YUCK!), and you just need to drink lots of water and "push" through it on your own. Sometimes you have someone there offering you advice and such, but lots of times, people laugh or cajol you, making it even harder than it should be. You (I) must endure! I had to find the strength in myself. And I think... this time, I seriously found it.

Like I keep reminding myself... I am not doing a "cold turkey" thing here. I am still eating pretty much the same foods I did, just less. I ate fairly healthy before I started my little regime, just ate too much of it. I'm sure some of you do too. Those of you that don't... BABY STEPS!

I ate out the other night... I ordered veggies instead of the potato, and it was delicious! If you don't really like veggies... find a favorite seasoning and add that. You'd be surprised how a little pepper and basil changes the flavor of those steamed carrots. (Makes 'em really sweet... Yum!) Sometimes it takes a while, and it takes change. Remember, the magic is in YOU!

Oh! Before I forget to tell you... there are two steps at my mom's by the front porch. When I first got there, it was painful to take those. By the time I left last night, it was no problem, and I barely felt them. Gotta go... got up a little late today (again) and still need to work out. I will try to post again a little later.

Woohoo! "I FEEL GOOD!

da na na na na! I FEEL GOOD! da na na na na! So good! da da... So good! da da..." This song is just bursting through my ears!

I've had lots of "ups" in the past two days. Last night... my girls (both avid and "fit" swimmers) tried to get through Miss Jillian's workout. They copped out, stopped several times, one never finished and the other did it less than the "low impact/beginner" level. They seem to think (and seriously believe) I quit several times during my workouts. Think again, daughters of mine! I did it! This was an "up" for me... All I could think was "neener neener, neener!!!" ha ha! Me, who hasn't seriously exercised in a LONG time basically can outdo these two young things in an interval workout. Yay me!

Another up... [okay... first I have to tell you what was going on with me last night. Yes, I had gotten through two days of the 30 Day Shred. Remember... I was super sore. Well, last night, I was SO sore, that it took me quite a while to get up off the "throne." With all of this drinking water, I have to pee so much... and doing all them squats in Jillian's workout... uh... my thighs just kinda screamed at me and didn't want me to get back up. My girls thought this was the most hilarious thing they've ever seen (so much for my support system, huh?)! They cracked up all night long.]

This morning, I got up, felt much better, still a little burning, but hey! I was actually able to move. Got to working out... feelin' the burn, feelin' the burn... ew... it hurt a little... then the hurt started to feel GOOD. Mmmm... I was feelin' a good burn and able to say, "Hey! That wasn't so bad this time." I completely feel my endurance coming in. It feels good!

Then... my girls finally woke up. (My turn to laugh!) They were sore! Uh... hello! I had explained to them previously (the night before) that they should be careful and don't laugh at me too hard. Whelp, the oldest, who didn't actually quit last night, could barely get up from sitting this evening. Hip hip hooray! Huh! Mom's not so "old" after all... is she? I'm not happy they are hurting, mind you... I'm just happy that they can finally see the light and realize that I am not making this up.

I finally watched my TiVo of The Biggest Loser today. I should've had a box of tissue with me. It was the saddest, most heart-wrenching episode I've ever seen. I'm a sucker, and this is why I put off watching it anyway. Wow! I'm rooting for everyone, especially the big guy, Daniel. These people all have such sad and powerful stories. It is extremely inspirational. And in the end, 9 people had to go (each a set of a partnership). How sad is that?

I went out to eat tonight. I chose a "healthier" and smaller-portioned dish, ordered salad instead of a cream soup, only had small tastes of the appetizers, and didn't finish my coffee. I still felt completely satisfied. I also resisted the slight temptation to nibble of of other's plates {Bad habit, Lisa!} And I did it on my own, which is even better. It didn't kill me to do it. Wow! I didn't think I'd be at this level this soon, but I am!

And... {insert drum roll here} my final "up" for the day? I lost another 4 pounds! My weigh-in is going to be every Thursday night (January 1st was a Thursday, too!), and I "officially" weighed in. I was so jazzed!!!! So my little ticker up in the right corner says I have lost a total of 6 pounds! Go me!

This past week, I have worked out every day (except Sunday - my rest day), cut down on my portion sizes, cancelled out second and third helpings, limited my coffee/Coke intake to no more than 2 cups per day (and sometimes I didn't even have that!), drank a heck of a lot more water, increased my fruits and vegetables, ate smaller/more frequent meals, and have tracked my adventures here. Whew! That's a lot! But, I am happy to report that I don't feel deprived.

Some people (professionals included) may think that it is only healthy to lose .5-2 pounds per week. I am more than sure this loss will slow down for me. I only lost this amount of weight because of the things I did. I did not starve myself... far from it, actually. With the amount of water I have been drinking and the higher fiber content as well as the amount and variety of fruits and vegetables I've been consuming on a daily basis, my body is basically de-toxing as well. And I like it.

While I am ready for my body to slow down on the weight loss (I gotta be realistic, right?), I still kinda like it... 'cause... "I feel good!"

OMGosh! I am so SORE today!

So... I did Level 1 of Jillian Michaels, again, today (Day 2). EEEWWWW! I am so sore! My kids are totally laughing at me, as they "see" the pain I am going through with the super sore muscles.

Now... I didn't do it 100%, as my muscles were already semi-sore, but I did do it - all the way through, too! I was a little achy, so I did it "beginner" style and low impact. I did it half-way yesterday, and I think all of the squats just totally killed my thighs! I'd love it if they shriveled away forever, which is my ultimate goal (lol). But I'm sure my strength and endurance will improve within the next couple of days. She sure kicks your butt - at least she kicks mine!

I watched DietTribe yesterday, too (had it Tivo-ed from Monday on Lifetime Television). Wow! All of those women have a great goal and great support. It would be nice to get some support... This is my support for now.

My kids "want" to exercise with me, but I am too emotional right now to deal with their laughing. They think it's pretty funny to see me huff and puff, sweat and grunt. I (unfortunately) take it a different way. It is extremely hurtful to me. I didn't used to be like this.

My weigh-in day of January 1st was actually the heaviest I've ever been. It may not seem like a lot to others to want to lose 51 pounds, but it sure seems like a lot to me. To someone else, it may seem like a huge amount, then they probably have never been heavy at all, as they don't have that mentality. So you know... the 2 pounds I lost is probably (seriously) due to more water (see the Blinkie above!!!) and limiting myself to 2 cups of coffee/soda (either/or) each day. I am almost beyond the headaches! Go me!

Here's some beginning pics, taken from last week. Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. I'm a little nervous, as I've drank so much water, I feel so bloated and heavy! I know I'm doing well, but the results will probably trickle in. The pics may not look so bad, but, they look bad to me. And this is about how I feel about me.

What it came down to was a feeling. I was feeling way too comfortable in sweats. Yeah, I know... they are supposed to be comfortable. But the problem was that everything else was fitting way too tight to be comfortable, so sweats were the only thing I had left. I was also feeling really tired, really depressed, and really agitated for absolutely everything. Everything and anything was stressing me out. So, I decided to start to "fix" my problem all by myself. If this didn't help things, then I would need to take another venue to get my feelings resolved.

I'm sure some of you (if there are any of you out there) that can totally relate. You have been there, or maybe this is what you are feeling now. Thank you for your support.

Those of you that just don't get it, just try to understand. You may not be able to relate to the weight issue, but maybe to the idea of fitting in anywhere, even socially. You may try to do what you can to fit in, but you just never "feel" comfortable. It's not a good feeling. You know what I mean...

Today is the Day for the Biggest Loser!

The Biggest Loser starts tonight! I love this show!

It is so inspirational. It teaches SO many things. However, I could never leave my family for as long as these people do, so kudos to them. Also, uh... I am an admitted television addict, and I would miss it so! Everyone has such fantastic results.

I really don't know how they do it. I have a problem breathing after 20 minutes of exercise. I catch my breath doing a lot of different things. But, they do it... lots of working out... a lot more time per day than I put in. You go! May the biggest loser win!

The trainers all have their programs, too! There's Losing It with Jillian Michaels (there is a FREE newsletter on this site!). I just love Jillian. She is the ultimate in tough love and tough weight loss. She will not let you give up! She also gets in tune with why you have gained the weight. Her support system is awesome (I just can't afford it, so I take the free newsletter...).

You can join the Biggest Loser Club here (with Bob & Kym). Bob is pretty good. He seems to be a little more lienient than Jill (see above). Kym... I don't particularly care for. I saw her for one season alone on the Biggest Loser, and I really didn't like her attitude. It was a little bratty for my taste. To each their own...

You can also download a free 2 week exercise program at ExerciseTV.tv. The program is free. You can pay and download the exercise videos or get them "ON DEMAND" through cable and satellite programs on the free portion of the network.

Personally, I just completed the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred - Level 1. It kicked my butt, but got me going a lot more than my minimal workout has for the past couple of days. But hey! At least I was putting the effort out there.

So don't forget to watch The Biggest Loser on NBC tonight at 8pm. If you aren't motivated yet, this could get you there!

A New Year... A New You!

Isn't that just SO cliche? Whelp folks... I've joined the cliche-rs and joined in. This is a journey through my weight-loss progress. You will travel with me through my ups, my downs, my accomplishments, and my failures. Together, we can climb those mountains, no matter how hard they may be.

So... I began this journey (by myself) on January 1st, just like everyone else. I started out wanting to "feel" better, look better, and be healthier. Like most of us, I eat portions that are really for 2 or 3 people. I knew I needed to cut down on those. I also needed to exercise. I still need to do these things, but in moderation, I will get there.

My goal is to lose 51 pounds. That may seem like a lot to you, but hey! It's for me, not you. And this is a realistic goal. I am not going for a certain amount each week or a deadline to lose the weight by. Heck! Just cutting down my soda and coffee intake alone chopped off 2 pounds within 3 days.

I have cut down on my portions... Like when that little voice inside my head tells me to go ahead and eat that other piece... or just one more bite... I have to hold myself accountable and say, "NO!" I will not eat that last piece of bacon on the serving plate. I will not get "just a little" more! Those thoughts are self-sabotaging, and I just won't do it anymore.

So... I began January 1st super tired (stayed at the Rose Parade all night) and freezing cold. I did not want to take my hands out of my gloves to make anything, and I was too tired to make anything, anyway. We waited until we got to my mom's to eat anything. WAIT! I had a granola bar prior to packing the car back up. (See what I mean? I think I got this accountability thing down!)

I did munch on a couple of things at my mom's, but I didn't gorge out. (Good for me, huh?) I took moderate portions at dinner, and had water, and ONE cup of coffee.

Now... I love coffee, so that is a little hard for me. I also love Coke (The Real Thing), so it was a little hard, but I handled it pretty well. No headaches from lack of caffeine. When we got home, I got to work and unloaded and cleaned everything (with the girls' help, of course). But I stayed moving.

Friday, I actually got up and exercised! Yeah, me! However, as I was riding my stationary cycle, the pedal fell off... and my mp3 player quite working (the volume will only go DOWN, not up - so now I have NO SOUND!!!). I was not self-sabotaging myself, so I made the "no excuses" pledge and watched television while doing my exercising. I had at least got 20 minutes of biking. So I did my stretching, crunches, and some arm work (boy is it flabby there!). Woohoo! I drank LOTS of water, still watched my portions, and piled on the veggies. You go, girl!

Saturday, it was more of the same.

Sunday, I enrolled in something through Flylady. There is a Virtual Personal Trainer out there, and he is FREE! Johnathan gives motivational e-mails and helps those of us in need out via the No Excuse Workout. Just click on the link, and you, too, can join this great program! Well, he "rests" on Sundays, so I did the same, just so I'd be in the same groove. I ate decently (modestly) and felt pretty good. I still limited myself on that coffee.

Today... I decided to create a blog, so that I am writing these things down (you know "accountability" and all...). I did my exercises with television headphones on (what better way to catch up on Desperate Housewives?). I have again watched what I have eaten and eaten more fruits and veggies, less starches.

See? We're off to a great track record. And I don't feel like I "have" to do it...